I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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