I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
