She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
