My brain says no but my pants say off.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
