just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
