3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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