I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
