Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
