if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Drunk walkin through police station. America
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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