She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
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