I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize