you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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