Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
