dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
