So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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