ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
