Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
