dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
