so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
