At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
