im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
