I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
