barbara walters just said penis...
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
