My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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