You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
