After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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