The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
