You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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