so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
