id be glad to
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
