I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
