Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I need water and some morals
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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