all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
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All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
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I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
That accounts for only three of the penises
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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