I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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