I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
