You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
