i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
