I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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