I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
