I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
