My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
