If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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