Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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