he puts the penis in happiness.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
