I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
