I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
