I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
