lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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