i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Randomize
