Pappa wants mamma naked
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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