Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
