I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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