listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
