he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Two words: nipple clamps
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